on baking cookies

we have had a virus cycling through our house for the past two weeks now. first dad, then you and now me. i am having the hardest time being the mom i want to be this week. my patience is beyond limited. my head is throbbing, and your needs are that of a two-year-old.

but today, we baked cookies anyway. actually, i did all of the mixing and scooping and baking, but you did the very best of the eating.

the cookies were of the chocolate variety, which you cannot seem to get enough of these days, and you had the very hardest time waiting for them to cool, as you do. we were eating them together standing in the kitchen, you on your chair and me on my feet, and i realized something. never in my life, until you came along, have i enjoyed warm cookies the way that we do. the proper way.

i love cookies. i always have. i've baked them for years, but never with a sous chef or a taste tester. i make them, quickly make work of one or two, and then i save them for someone or something else. but with you we make them to enjoy them.

we go through the process together. i usually let you throw flour all around, while i mix everything together. you watch me carefully as i place them in the oven knowing full well that gratification is around the corner. we check the oven periodically to watch them rise and spread. then we remove them and the real fun begins. we check and we check and we check again, until they are just cool enough. then we pour a couple of glasses of milk. we assume our routine positons (you standing on your chair and me on my feet). and we eat. and we eat maybe one more.

but they taste so delicious and so perfect. and i wonder why. i think maybe it's because you love them as much as i do. or maybe because if you weren't around i wouldn't be baking these particular cookies in the first place. i don't think i can ever be sure. whatever the reason, i hope for the rest of my days cookies will be this way. this very proper way.

i love you so much, even on my worst of the worst days.

i cannot believe how lucky we are.

dear graham,

sometimes when i pick you up from daycare, i run the two blocks from here to there because i'm so excited to see you. and by sometimes, i mean most times. i love you,

mom

dear graham

i know this is morbid and awful to even think, but it crosses my mind.

i worry that if i die before you are old enough to remember me, you won't know how much i loved you. everyone will tell you, i know. and you'll believe them, mostly, except on days when everything is just too hard. well, i do love you. so much.

but... if i write these things down for you, just for insurance purposes, well then, i can stop worrying you'll miss out on some things. like this for instance.

you must eat at levain bakery. or at the very least have them shipped to you. it is so worth the ridiculous price, i can't even begin to explain. just eat them. eat them and know that you are your mother's son. because if you still love sweets when you are old enough to read this, like you do now, i'll be proud. just remember to brush your teeth!

graham, i love you so. and i hope you never need this, but it will be nice to have, when i'm suffering from mom brain and forget to share the little things every now and again.

p.s. they're all good, but the chocolate peanut butter is otherworldly.

on sleepless nights

lately, sleep has escaped me. why? who knows. heightened anxiety over everything is the name of my mind's game right now. which is unfortunate most of the time, but it has led me here, so maybe it's not all bad.

graham is growing at lightening speed these days. he's putting words together and counting to two. he's 'luboo' ing back when i say, 'i love you'. he snuggles, and he snuggles, and he snuggles. thank heavens, i am so glad that particular trait has not faded. he is as beautiful as ever and funny sometimes, too. 

every now and again, when i look at him, it feels like time freezes us for just a moment. there he is joyful as can be in the middle of the living room, sun streaming through the windows around us. there i am on my knees a few feet away smiling back. and nothing moves. his face imprints itself in my mind. and my insides begin to cry, for the time that will never be stopped and for the overwhelming hopes and dreams of a lifetime with my boy. my boy.

the blondest, bluest, tallest, little man. that one belongs to me. or i should say i belong to him? who knows anymore.

life is better now.

on songs and manners

today was a great day.

one of those great days you have pretty often, if you look close enough. and one that you might forget in the long run, but shouldn't.

graham and i established our 'song' today. he's almost two and it has taken us this long to really nail down a song that we both equally love and one that brings us both simultaneously joy and peace. we have 'twinkle, twinkle' for before bed. we have 'bushel and a peck' for after tub time. and 'you are my sunshine' just for fun. 'skidamarink' for laughs. but today i introduced graham to the greatness that is elton john's 'tiny dancer'. and the boy said, 'gen' (again) over and over. he loved it. and i did, too. here's hoping it sticks.

he was a glorious sharer today at play group, which i feel should be documented, because not everyday is good share day. ladies and gentleman, it was shocking, the restraint this child showed as he patiently awaited his turn for the bike. and then he even gave up control over one of the the riding bouncy balls, when he recognized that he had two and someone else had none. it was one of my proudest mama moments. that said, i am not expecting repeat greatness, but if it occurs, he gets all the credit.

today was nice, but winter is hard, and this season feels awfully itchy. i feel like turning my house right upside down and moving bedrooms and hanging pictures and cleaning the baseboards, you know? it's unfortunate how slow that kind of process can become with a toddler underfoot, but it's time to do some reorganizing and reprioritizing. so here's hoping for success or at least the gumption to keep trying.

cheers,
e

on january 27th

graham broke his leg jumping on the bed. which is odd, because gabe broke his leg when he was about 20 months old, too- not jumping on the bed, falling out of a high chair.

this happened on january 27th. and yes, it was stressful. we spent a few hours in the emergency room. graham was a champ, as always. and then we came home and set up camp in the living room. graham got new toys to play with and gained monster truck video watching privileges in excess.

however, i hardly find the leg incident to be the most remarkable of that day, because at 6:01 p.m. quinn was born. and so our quartet, ironically, became a quintet. lindsey, will, emily and graham. and now quinn. how unbelievably lucky we are.

my heart is overwhelmed.

she is perfect.

on januaries

every single blog i follow reads like a broken record this month. it's january... we know, people. i know. you know.

our overindulged post holiday bodies and faces know. our new year, new you (?) anxieties know. our 'oh, shit, it's almost february and i still haven't straightened out X, Y, and Z's'  know.

here's what. it is january 25th, and i am a big believer in the chinese new year, because by the time everyone gets around to loathing their ill behaviors enough, or really needing to shake their funks, it is in fact always february.

january rolls around with it's false promises of brighter tomorrows and fresh starts, only to sting your cheeks with it's icy winds and take your feet right out from under you on the slippery sidewalks. january is a humbling month. when you're stuck inside for weeks on end with no one around to distract you from yourself- your truest, this is what it's come to self- you have to square off with the truth.

so february 10th, i'll be ready for you. and so help me God, i will learn to listen better this year.

youest of yous

and so it is that i am the luckiest girl in the world.
this is what my days look like.

'puffs!' and short-lived christmas trees

new trucks and baby massage

'ma, can you read this please?' brunches

inner peas at trader joes

sunnies with oma and pa

and a happy-to-be-home face.

also, this is too perfect to not share, written by lindsey, mother of will, and one of my very best friends.

'since you've been here, will, life is just more. colors are brighter and sounds are louder. the stakes are higher and fears are scarier, but our laughter is lighter and our smiles are wider. quiet is quieter, mornings are earlier, and days are busier. my heart is deeper, and softer, and more real. with you, life is bigger, and better, and somehow closer to what is true and right.

like i used to tell you when you were a little, tiny baby, you're the youest of yous, and that's a wonderful thing. thank you for being you. you are, really and truly, the best. '

and, so.

because it's friday

mint chocolate chip ice cream was our afternoon snack.

we watched an extra episode of our very favorite truck show, too.

our very special chicago friends waved hi over the phone.

then, we ran around like wild banshees

forts were built and wrecked, and then built again.

we read extra books, and then some more extra books.

best of all, bath time didn't come until we were good and ready for bath time to come, so our snuggles were longer and our snores will be louder. tgif, guys.

confession #632

i'm wearing a topknot tomorrow. not because i'm chic, but because i elected to drink wine tonight instead of shower. who's with me?

we're dating, kind of.

so.

we did something really radical today.

we went to church.

here in smalltown, usa there are a surprising number of churches to choose from (and bars, too- another time, another time). however, the congregations of most are as you would expect... well, small. this means 'dating' churches can get a little tricky.

i'm from a place where you can disappear. become just another face in the crowd. admittedly, the slow fade has always kind of been my thing. but here, if you were there on sunday, then on tuesday you'll see an elder at the grocery store, and on friday you'll be sitting across a restaurant from the pastor.

so.

today was our first date with a church that was formerly known as baptist, which didn't discourage me from the get go. i was dedicated (read: baptized) in a baptist church after all, folks. this also means i was raised unaware of the stereotypes that are synonymous with the baptist religion, i.e. bible thumpers, snake wranglers, etc, until recently.

well, here's a clear breakdown of how it went.

10:20- drop graham off in the nursery. get matching bracelets... so no one steals him or something, right? flag.

10:25- get introduced to the husband-wife duo, who were becoming official members of the church this morning. the wife says they've been attending for about two and one half years. they decided to go through the process and complete all the steps to join. FLAG.

10:30- proceed into the auditorium for the service, where a war scene is playing on a large overhead screen. something about martyrs and muslim terrorists is being said, then the philippenes (?). the crummy sound left a lot to the imagination... so. FLAG (seriously, i almost panicked and bolted here).

10:35- worship music commences.

11:05- the singing portion of worship ends. i've calmed down a bit now, as we pray for the new members. the sermon begins, passover and the exodus.

11:25- i am appreciating the passover refresher, and i think the sermon will be over soon.

11:35- things are starting to get slightly more passionate. the pastor's words get louder and i'm pretty sure he shouts. i try hard not to laugh out loud, as i watch a baptist stereotype come to life. flag.

11:37- john the baptist is abruptly mentioned. flag.

11:40- the pastor begins a rant about how the bible is true in a literal way- flag, and that everything we need to ever know we'll find in it's pages. flag. he says some flippant things about 'nominal christians', whatever that means. flag. john the baptist. flag. john the baptist. flag. and then he starts thumping the bible... literally, you guys. literally. FLAG.

11:41- i look at husband figure and mumble, 'we've got to get out of here.' he looks relieved that we're on the same page. i begin eyeing the nearest exits.

11:47- the sermon ends and the band comes back to the stage. we immediately beeline for the door.

11:49- we pick up graham and powerwalk to the car.

11:50- i can't stop laughing or believe this is how our first date turned out.

so if you see me at dinner on friday and i look uncomfortable, and i pass on dessert, well, now you know.

solo

we were lucky enough to find the beach to ourselves this morning.

happy fourth of july to us. and to you, too.

sweet home

i'm having one of those nights, you know?

when you've moved and you're in this new place, but you're not actually even in your own new place yet (you're at your in-laws). but you're incredibly thankful and humbled by all of the kindness being bestowed upon you, which only makes it worse, that you are suddenly sad and terribly homesick.

well. at least we've been here a while and this is the very first night i've actually felt this way. so.

to distract myself from actually thinking about my feelings (ba dum ching! ha. (note to readers who are not personal friends, i am famous for previously said activity)) here are some photos of the most wonderful day, with the most wonderful boys.

strawberry picking 6.24.12

dad

mom

strawberry juice

p.s. while reading this post, i actually had to fight tears. oh, easily accessible, healthy, delicious, wonderful ethnic food. how i miss you.

oh, two thousand four

last week i finally had time to flip through some magazines (this is the part where the crowd cheers for sleep training). i stumbled upon an ad for some new covergirl lipsticks. the shades looked uber pigmented, nars style. i didn't buy into it right away because usually drugstore lipsticks all have that frosty look, you know what i mean, but i did make it a point to track these suckers down and question them in person.

and so.... can i tell you about my new favorite, absolutely amazing lipsticks?!?! i mean, shut the front door, you guys. eight bucks!

not all of the colors are great- there are certainly some frosties in there, but with a good eye, any lipstick junkie could pick out one or two aces. i mean these babies hold up to- and beyond- nars, which is really saying something, because i don't let nobody talk s$%# about my nars.

here are my top picks:

spellbound                                         flame

fairytale                                                 delish

i've collected two so far, spellbound and delish. 

spellbound is not that purple in real life. it's bright and berryish with a purple zing. i love it.

delish was not what i had hoped (i'll spend my entire life looking for a lipstick to match up to this shade), but i still like it. i have super pigmented lips naturally, so it just punches 'em up a bit. they look like i just really kissed someone. like high school 'i hope no one notices, that makeout session was way too steamy for broad daylight' lips. right? was that just me? well, shoot. 

p. s. even through a meal and a lot of water intake, this lipstick did not budge! it wasn't even on my glass. it did however make it all over graham's cheeks. 2 for 3 isn't bad!

just awkward

i love oggling photos of the bloggers i follow and their babies. i love the outfits and the tiny glimpse i get into their lives. so why are there so few photos on this blog, you ask? well, let me tell you.

this is the back of my head and a naked baby

also, it's the best we can do. seriously.

i hate taking self portraits and by hate i mean i am absolutely, without a doubt terrible with my camera lens aimed in the mirror. there have to be some tricks and tips i have yet to discover. a more flattering light, a better angle. someone else actually talking them? 

i mean, come on. the pictures graham and i take always get trashed before they're viewed by anybody else. and not because graham ever looks... er... there's not really a polite word that fits here for a baby... it's because i somehow always looks pasty and dwarfed. that said, i am pale and short, but pasty and dwarfed?! 

what are you secrets people? spill.

elusive

the last time i was in new york, i popped in the nars shop. you know, for this and that and a few other things.

i was attempting to squeeze in one last lipstick try-on, while carrying on a conversation and wrangling a baby, when i noticed one of the nars makeup artists dabbing something shimmery on joanna's cheekbones. in the midst of all the chaos, i finished up my purchase as joanna and i headed to the park for our scheduled playdate with the wee ones.

we were sitting on the benches swapping stories about our motherhood experiences, when i couldn't help but become mesmerized by this fantastic highlight stretching from her temple to just above the apple of her cheek. it's just my luck that i got distracted by a protest or a spill from graham before i remembered to ask what that magic highlighter was.

so distracted in fact, it took me approximately one and one half months to remember that i had to have whatever that magic highlighting stick was. so i went on a journey to department stores near and far. and here's what i've come up with.

nars, the multiple in maldives.

there are two other options i haven't seen in person to test out (luxor and copacabana), so i could be wrong about the shade. but my guess is, as long as you stick to one of these three, those brilliant cheekbones i was swooning over will be yours (barring certain genetic components, you know).

p.s. the other thing i have to pick up on my next trip!

image via polyvore

hallelujah, amen.

things i am thankful for today

looking around this apartment and loving the space

living in this space for one year- which is the longest i've lived anywhere in three years, three years, guys!

the declaration that graham looks just like his mom, made yesterday by a cashier after she finished oogling and praising his cuteness. i'll take that compliment and keep it in my pocket for a rainy day, costco.

(he gets it from me guys. you know, the whole 'confused mystique')

realizing that it's a growth spurt behind graham's grumpiness (not poor parenting. phew.)

the ten dollar j. crewish dress i scored at forever 21 (navy and green. it's tight, so keep the styling classy- i'm looking at you, club kids.)

the person who left a comment on my blog this week. i love you, commenters. you make my life complete.

what are you thankful for today?

p.s. this is awesome. via joanna

dependency issues

remember how i was obsessed with puppy chow? well, i've since moved on.

oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, guys. after one too many trips to the local potbelly's, so i decided to figure this thing out myself instead of being the sad, sad cookie lady (that i actually am, but who needs to know? secrets, people).

like any good blog junkie, i googled it. after some narrowing down, i settled on two recipes.

these and these.

the first recipe delivered the delicious, slightly hearty cookies that i was looking for. i recommend under cooking by about one and one half minutes to get the melty potbelly texture.

i tried the second recipe because husband figure really likes coconut. they were pretty wonderful, too, but a touch on the lighter, fluffier side. i'm sure if you fiddle a bit with the recipe and add extra oatmeal for heft these would be sublime.

so there's my review on that.

p.s. always, always splurge and use ghirardelli chocolate chips/ chunks. it's totally worth the extra dollar or two. you won't believe the difference.

recipes and image via mel's kitchen cafe

paper lanterns

eeps, you guys! it's chinese new year! drum roll, please...

it's the year of the dragon! i've been waiting for this since... well, twelve years ago (that's how long it's been since the year of the dragon last graced us). i'm totally pumped, because this is 'my' year. i love following along with the chinese new year bonanza.

i've haven't gotten my act together as far as my new years resolutions go (oy!). it's my rule of thumb that i make the resolutions on january one and fiddle around with them until the chinese tell me it's a new year, because only then do i really have to get my act together.

first up on my list of resolutions-

why, hello, you beautiful computer with the fantastic apple and silver shininess. i think it's time we got to know each other a little better.... oh, blogger. i know her, too. isn't she fantastic?... we should all hang out sometime. today? tomorrow? everyday?... oh, that would be great. i'll see you there!

(humor me people, please. it sounded funnier in my head.)

what sign are you? do you celebrate chinese new year?

p.s. a recap of life in the year of the tiger coming soon!

xanga

dear blogging,

i miss you.

i'm really happy that you've found so much happiness in your newish found fame and riches. however, feeling so exposed while i'm writing makes me pretty anxious. this is not an excuse for having walked away, just an explanation.

i'm sorry i abandoned you. it's been a while and i still love you. can we be friends again? i'll do my best,

love,
emily (blogging since 2001)